I still feel the loss of all the lives I could have lived*

I don't believe in fate.

I don't believe in karma.

I don't know what I believe in. 

I feel like I had this conversation with someone recently - the discussion that everyone believes in *something* whether they realise it or not. I clearly hadn't spent the time considering what it was that I *do* believe in. That realisation led to feelings of panic - I remember that at least. Am I even a real person if I don't know what I believe in?

I process by letting it out. Whether that's talking; I'll often have a realisation mid-sentence. Or writing. It takes me a while to knit the disparate thoughts together in a way that makes sense, but once I have I'm usually pretty good at figuring out what it is I need to do about 'it' - if there even is something to be done. After all not everything is a problem to be solved, sometimes something simply is, and you just need to sit with it.

One thing you should know, whoever you are, is that these - whatever these are - will always meander. We'll start with an idea, a quote, a kernel of something and then slowly but surely we'll get to the point- ok fine, a point. Maybe multiple points. 

So today’s point? When you don't believe in fate, how do you describe it when things just fall into place?

I read Carissa Potter's (of People I've Loved Fame) newsletter on how she has redefined fate for herself. It was a great read, and I felt it deeply. It resonated with me on many levels and tied into some thinking I'm doing right now around how I want to live my life moving forwards. At the end of the email she writes,

"Each week, I get to take a few hours to really ground myself and explore ideas that have been circling in my head - to tap into our collective human consciousness...So by tapping into my own feelings I am also getting in touch with other humans."

and I laughed through my tears and snot (caused by the deep waves of sadness and recognition the rest of her email had brought on) because for a while now my therapist has recommended I share my musings - the things I learn as I process my 1,000,000,000 thoughts a day - with the world. 

You see, I actually believe in many things. One of them is if you see something enough times to notice it, it obviously has enough value to you for you to begin to assign meaning to it. For example, immediately after learning about Ayahuasca and what it might be able to do for my mind I started seeing it everywhere until I couldn't deny that it was something that I needed to  explore. In this instance enough people have told me that regardless of what I believe about my own writing, sharing it will give others exactly what they need. Funnily enough I already knew this. 

When Elizabeth Wurtzel died I wrote,

"Damn. The more I think about the death of Elizabeth Wurtzel the more I realise that it's a real gift to be able to write in a way that allows people to find the best & worst parts of themselves in your experiences. Write from a place of truth, with a sense of passion and you never know who might spend their life thinking of you."

Then in January 2022 I was part of an online residency at Writing on the Wall. As part of my creative response to the residency I wrote about creating connection through writing, referring specifically to a quote by James Baldwin, and how that related to my own thoughts after recalling how much Wurtzel's Prozac Nation had spoken to me. In January I recognised that sharing work is necessary, I just didn't give it weight until someone reflected that thought right back at me (Potter in her newsletter).

More recently a friend of mine told me, "it's worth sometimes putting these things out, others will get something out of it"

And here we are, a collection of minds reading a collection of words. Some will resonate, others won't. But that's ok. Turns out I do know what I believe, but because I can’t express it in one phrase (yet) I tell myself it doesn’t count. But it does. You believe the things you do because of who you are, and what you’ve experienced. And who we are, and what we have experienced don’t fit into neat boxes, phrases or definitions, that’s the beauty of humanity.

So here’s a few things I believe-

I believe there's a lesson to be found in everything, and everyone. 

I believe we learn in relation to ourselves and others.

I believe there’s joy to be found in people and places, regardless of how bleak the situation.

I believe that something doesn’t have to be ‘worthy’ to be shared.

And because I believe someone, somewhere is searching for something to read, searching for connection, I’ll keep putting myself out there.

PS. If you’re wondering what the title has to do with what has been shared here, then this feels like a great time to bring up that my ADHD got me here. 

I started off wanting to write about my friend Kathi Elizabeth and the life I might have led, had I stayed living in New York City. There are many lives that I didn’t lead. The one where I chose to go to therapy myself to explore whether my marriage could be saved. The one where I never got married in the first place. But none of those things happened and I often find myself grieving what never was. 

But then I got caught up with the idea that our lives take turns that we don’t expect and it’s about seeing the signs and joining the dots.