Perfectionism
I am a recovering Perfectionist.
I used to hate New Years and Birthdays, and any kind of celebration that required me to evaluate time passing. I thought I hated them because I hated myself.
More recently, since I have started to work on my self-worth, I have actively started to reclaim these dates with the thought: I like me, I deserve to celebrate.
Now, with the layers peeled back, I have come to realise that the reason I didn't like myself was because I felt as though I hadn't achieved enough to justify living. I believed I was lazy and selfish and wasteful and incompetent - I expected myself to be perfect in every aspect of my life. Perfect health. Perfect weight. Perfect career development.
But I'm neurodivergent. And a woman of colour. There are so many barriers I face. Life makes perfection almost impossible.
My standards are ludicrously high for myself. I set myself up to fail over and over again, and this feeling was compounded on December 31st and February 27th for every year.
So what changed?
Therapy.
A reflective practice.
Moments of joy and contentment.
A wider perspective on what success means, on what productivity means.
A focus on work/life balance.
An understanding of what it means to be burnt out. To be able to see the effects of the never ending cycle of burn out and recovery I had subjected myself to over the years.
Widening what my perspective of love and acceptance is.
Now, New Years is just the passage of time. It doesn't need to be anything more, although I choose to make it a time I spend reflecting on all of the ups and downs, and consider the lessons there are to be learnt. In 2022, on a date, someone asked me what my biggest regret is- I could have named so many things, but in that moment I chose to answer that I no longer believe in regrets.
The things that I wish could have gone differently are a reflection of who I was at that time, and the skills and knowledge I possessed. They are learning moments. For example sometimes I wonder what might have happened if I'd taken myself to therapy when my ex refused couples-counselling after his emotional affair. It's likely that I would have left him before he could have gone on to further destroy our marriage. BUT I didn't. Because I didn't realise I needed it.
When I finally self-referred to the NHS in 2019 after the breakdown of the marriage and the death of both my grandmothers, it was transformative. I valued it because I needed it. It felt so impactful because I was in the place to receive it, and therefore have made the most of it.
There have been many more occasions recently where I have failed to listen to my intuition, resulting in more hurt. But, the last time was the last straw. I had to reach that point to realise just how negatively it affects me when I don't live life authentically. I didn't have the skills or the courage to do that before, but I do now.
No regrets means NYE isn't damaging. Instead, evaluation is empowering, I am able to see my own journey. I see where I let myself down, where other people let me down, where the troops rallied to make something work as it was crashing down on us. I recognise the mirror image of the beginning and end of my year, but mostly I feel the change in me.
Nothing worked out the way I hoped it would, but there were so many surprises, so many moments to stop and appreciate everything life throws at me. I am ending/beginning phases - continued self-actualisation. A journey of adventure and discovery.
