You don't know what you don't know

Except, I do. At least some of it.

I know that I don't know how to work independently. I know I don't know how to not rely on adrenaline and cortisol to fuel my motivation to do something. I don't know how my nervous system works, not fully. I don't know the full complexities of my ADHD brain. I don't know how to create the conditions for optimum performance. I don't know how to not let the anxiety of all the things I have to do stop me from doing them. I don't know how to keep overwhelm at bay. I don't know how other people seem to operate on a daily basis and churn out work.

But there is also so much I do know. There is so much I know without realising I know it. So much I know that other people don't. I know how to be my authentic self, how to express myself, how to nurture others. I know how to tell stories that are deeply reflective; how to research and discover. I know how to write in an unfiltered way, how to share that writing without fear. I know how to craft. I know how to demonstrate passion.

I am a big fan of 'audits'. Every so often I will write lists of things; like who to reach out to when I want a fun night out (list of one person), who to reach out to when I have a question about 'doing the right thing', or a question about the industry. However, I don't audit my skills regularly. I make lists of things I need, or things to do that will 'fix' me, but what I do least is make a list of all the positives. That's human nature though, isn't it? Or the result of ND humans living in a capitalist society, and capitalism and creativity do not go well together.

Reflecting now on the concept of this DYCP - how do I make myself better to get more work? feels a little flawed. I have been working since I was 17. I have worked in retail, in hospitality, front of house, in kitchens. I've trained colleagues, I've worked in schools, I've worked as a copywriter.  I worked in a mental health unit teaching cooking classes, in a hospital for the elderly telling stories. I even spent time in a womens' prison in Ecuador and a favela in Rio de Janeiro. I have developed skills you wouldn't expect a writer to have. I have written plays for casts of 12. I have written a one-person play. As much as I hate to admit it, I've even performed. I don't like being a producer but I have produced award-winning shows and a national tour.

I may not know what I am doing, but I am doing it. I think the key word in my head right now is sustainability. Working in the way I have been is not sustainable. It relies on anxiety and problem-solving and that burns out your body and brain. I know that what I don't know is how to do what I do in an intentional way.

Yes, I need to develop skills, but maybe not the ones I thought I needed. I don't need to learn how to conform to a capitalist society that's inherently ableist. I simply need to listen to my own rhythms of productivity, and learn how they operate. Whatever comes next is the right thing, whether that leads to 'levelling up' or not.