The ADHD art of doing too much

Do you know why nothing ever gets done? Because everything is too much.

Ideas are never simple, ambition is sky-high, and the lofty goals I set myself are a form of self-sabotage. For years I've given the advice of "Just write.  Wake up an  hour early and just get it done. Steal time here and there." But I feel unable to follow that myself. I am constantly tired. I am constantly feeling the weight of my own expectations, and that is in conflict with my ADHD brain that is finding more ideas, pushing for greater goals instead of simply getting it done. By making myself try harder, I often grind to a halt.

In DBT they drill into you the mantra "One thing at a time"  yet I have a plate of projects half completed. Back to the point...the point is to find the nugget. The seed of the idea that is burning to get out. The thing you have buried under expectations and processes and to-do lists. For me, in this DYCP activity it is the idea that I need time to carve out the next stage of my career. I want to gather knowledge and apply it to my own creative process to ensure I keep writing amazing pieces, to ensure I wake up every day excited. I want to tell stories I didn't get to see as a child.

There's a snag though. I have the social-justice drive that comes with a lot of neurodiversity- everything must be for the greater good. I can't seem to simply do something for myself. So I've loaded into the idea of writing the need to share/teach others how to  write, or more accurately develop creativity. A part of me feels that the training we have to develop creative skills doesn't meet the needs of ND people, and this has become my mission to radically improve/transform the way we talk about creativity, and who we allow to engage with creativity.

I can not do that alone. I am not some robot-social-justice-machine. I can make all the twitter polls, I can talk to all the industry leaders (well, I can't as they don't answer their emails) and it still wouldn't achieve what I want. Many have pointed out that my values and ideals are idealistic. I have come to realise, and it sounds self-centered, but it has to come from me. I need to do the best I can, accomplish what I set out for myself, and be as transparent as possible about that process. I will achieve what I crave by being as visible and representative as possible.

The phrase "It's not what I do, it's who I am" has come into my life recently. If I struggle to change systems through an attempt to do things, I simply need to be who I am - a committed artist who is dedicated to opening opportunities for all, not gatekeeping knowledge. Then the ripples of myself and my work will find their way to whoever needs it.

Back to my DYCP, the ideas I have explored in the application are bold and a bit extra, but at the heart of them are ensuring I have the skills and knowledge to keep doing what I do best. I have received several emails around this project and this series of blogs is a response to them, and a way for me to put me experiences into language.

I'll include an outline of the aims and the project plan below, as well as my step-by-step process for finding my way back to my initial idea when the overwhelming ambition kicks in, and I get carried away. I hope these words find the right call.